A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
