Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
