i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
