I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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