Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
