dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
