he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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