Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
