I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
