Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
