my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize