The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
