If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
