sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
