Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
