She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
All I want is dick and wine.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
