I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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