Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
