I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
zippers are such a cool invention
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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