My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
