So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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