I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
