whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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