I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
