Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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