I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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