I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
