Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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