I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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