If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
