Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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