Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
