I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
