i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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