I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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