I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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