Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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