I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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