i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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