Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
