drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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