This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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