foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
