dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
