whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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