Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
