I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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