Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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