What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize