My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
