someone threw a dead crab at me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
