when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
