My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize