Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
