A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
