I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
