I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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