just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
