Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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