Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
