i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
