My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
