Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
