wakey wakey hands off snakey
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well I just put wine in my tea
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
