You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
