i love accidental penises.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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